Romanticism and Timelines

"We travel, not to escape life, but for life not to escape us."

-Anonymous 

Some days, I’m on top of the world. Other days, I feel lost. The majority of days, I’d say, are spent feeling somewhere in between- along the lines of content or satisfied with the normalcy, the routine of it all. I wouldn’t label myself as the type of person who particularly enjoys routines. Then again, maybe I do find a secret thrill in knowing that a certain thing will happen each day. Maybe I’m more a fan of dependability than routine. I like knowing I can count on things… and people.

That being said, I’ve never been one to plan ahead. I rely on my gut, my intuition, and feelings to guide me through life. I don’t like to contemplate long term possibilities. It’s overwhelming to imagine myself, some time down the road, married, with x amount of kids, living x number of miles from my family. I don’t know what my career will be, what my hobbies will be, or- honestly- even where I’ll be. I love change. I adapt so easily to new environments. I look at new experiences as adventures that could lead me to somewhere I’ve never been and teach me even more about the intricate and simple beauties of life. I find a life of endless routine mundane. Does this mean I have a restless heart? Maybe.  Somewhere inside, I feel like I’ve been taught this is wrong. That I should somehow be ashamed of my wanderlust and desire for something as beautiful and simple as an adventure. But I'm not. 

I have amazing people in my life.  My friends and family are constant recipients of my warmest affections. I love spending hours laughing with my sister because we act like giant goofballs together. I could spend every day watching Frozen and drinking wine with my best friend, falling asleep at 10 o’clock together because we’re such grannies and can’t keep our eyes open any longer. I enjoy walks in the park with that one friend who always makes me laugh and always keeps it real; who doesn’t make any judgments and has such a pure spirit. I have amazing people in my life. 

But then, when I stop to think about my life now, as in this moment, I realize that all of those things are memories. Those people are still a part of my life, but in a different way. I still love them. They still love me. But, due to certain circumstances (i.e. me being in a different hemisphere), the nature of those relationships has changed. That doesn’t mean I have been left without love in my life. The people in Ecuador have been extremely welcoming and friendly. I have an amazingly warm host family. I have an incredible friend who I know would do anything for me (and I the same for her). Someone I can call up (slaaaash send a message to) and know that she’ll be down for whatever crazy scheme I’ve hatched. 

When I count my blessings, it’s definitely not a short list. However, I still don’t know how to fit all of the pieces together. I’ve discovered a few passions in my life, but don’t know what to do with them. 

In my eight and a half months in Ecuador, I’ve completely fallen in love with many things here (and developed contempt for others). It’s difficult to imagine myself, as I am now, returning to the U.S. and trying to fit who I am into the shadow of who I used to be. I can’t say that all of the changes I’ve made have been for the better, but they are part of me. There is something so freeing about pushing yourself to survive in a harsh and foreign environment. I can’t imagine packing myself up and forcing myself back into the commercialism-centered life I lived before. Here, I enjoy the simple things in life so much more. It’s harder to take things for granted when you can immediately see how lucky you are. Here, time spent with people is much more of a focus than in the States. It’s not about an activity that you’re doing, or how many photos you can take to upload to instagram  (I usually still snag a few, of course!), it’s about hanging out and enjoying someone’s company. Getting back to the simple romantics of pure friendships and relationships. 

This is only touching on what I love about Ecuador. Without mentioning how miserable I was last year working in the States compared to a relatively stress-free and enjoyable job here. Without going into detail about the incredible biodiversity this country offers and the thrill of discovering something unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. I could go on and on about the constant state of wonder I’m stuck in. 

Even so, my time here is growing short. When I consider the fact that I’ve been here eight months and have only four more to go, it’s hard to believe. How could I already be more than halfway done? On one hand, I feel like I’ve been here forever. On the other, I feel like there is still so much I don’t know; so much I haven’t done or learned. Will four months be enough? 

With adult responsibilities and debts looming over my head, I’m mentally preparing for my return to the States. I’m excited to eat all the foods I’ve been missing, get Mexican and margaritas with the girls, to be able to cook again… I’ll be happy to see my friends and family again, to spend hours in my sweats eating junk food with my sister. But I can’t help but wonder… what more could I discover if I stayed just a little longer? My heart doesn’t want to let go of all the things I’ve romanticized here. There is a true pain, I think, in learning to love more than one place.