The Prodigal

It’s been a long time since you felt peace

In the valley you made where you’re not meant to be

Where the shame throws shadows on you

But don’t you forget

That you’re headed to more

But you’ve settled for less

Don’t buy the lie “it’s as good as it gets”

The same feet that left you lost and alone

Are the very same feet that can bring you back home

Wherever you are, whatever you did

It’s a page in your book, but it isn’t the end

-Prodigal by Sidewalk Prophets

So, it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. I’ve jotted down ideas. I’ve written out posts only to delete them. I’ve even had people (okay, maybe just one person :p) ask me when I was going to write another blog post.

Yet, every time I’ve tried, I have heard a little voice in the back of my head telling me that my words are wrong. That no one cares what I have to say. Telling me that even if I have thought of something great to share, my message would be tainted by the things I’ve done.

And I’ve believed that little voice.

I’ve let shame get the best of me.

I have been hiding from the internet, all (two) of you out there.

But that’s the thing about shame. It steals your confidence. It steals your self-worth. It digs into the darkest corners of your mind and drags out all of those insecurities, mistakes, and otherwise unpretty things you thought you’d hidden well away. It traps you under the weight of them and makes you believe you’ll be stuck there forever.

And, if you listen to that little voice, if you never find a way to break free, you just may stay trapped under that weight.

I have chosen to cast it aside.

I have realized that I have been inspired and learned many valuable lessons through stories others have to share. You can learn so much from the strength and honesty of others. Not to mention that feeling of release when you realize- you’re not the only one.

So, in a nutshell, this is my story. I had plans for my life. Those plans, albeit quite vague, were leading me to an unbelievably incredible destination. This perfect point where everything would fall into place. I just needed to find that missing piece. Pretty naïve, huh?

The journey, however, did lead me on an incredible adventure. I didn’t plan on becoming a mother along the way, of marrying an incredible man, or facing any of the challenges that came/will come along with this adventure.

But I've realized that it is so important to wake up thankful for each day.

That there is no “happy ending” to chase after, but rather a happy now to enjoy.

 I won’t let the circumstances of my blessings keep me in the dark any longer. I'm proud of who I am and what I've accomplished in my life. I don't have it all figured out... not even half of it... but I'm living each day in love and trying to find my way back to freedom. 

Live & love,

Katey

Coming Home

As my incredible journey in Ecuador comes to a close, I can say with certainty that my life will never be the same. While there are many things I am excited to return to in the States, there are many things I will miss about this beautiful country I've come to call home.

For all it's faults and flaws, Ecuador has captured my heart. Here, I have found an abundance. An abundance of love, generosity,  and adventure. This country welcomed  me with its arms wide open, and hasn't stopped loving me since I arrived.

I have learned so much about myself and the world since being here. I've gained a new perspective on what "home" means, and have fallen in love with a simpler way of living. One that doesn't revolve around consumerism and possessions, but rather relationships and family.

I've challenged myself to step out of my comfort zone and been rewarded on many occasions. I've made mistakes, but I've lived. I've soaked in my time here. And as my departure date draws closer, I can't help but reflect on the past and ponder the future.

The top 5 things I'll miss (in no particular order):

1. The people. 
I've made some really great friends and family here in Ecuador, and I will be sad to say goodbye. From the kindness of strangers to the quick acceptance of new friends, people (for the most part) are very genuine. I have been well fed, looked after, and worried about. It's amazing how quickly you can come to care so deeply for people.

2. The cost of living.
Even though salaries are much lower here in Ecuador, I still found it to be very manageable to live- i.e. travel, eat, hang out with friends- and still pay rent. Going on vacation is a breeze and doesn't break the bank. I travelled for 10 days on the coast and spent less than $400 including transportation, food, and lodging. You can buy a hearty lunch (soup, some type of vegetable, beans or lentils, meat and a drink) for $2.50. A 7 hour bus ride costs just $10. It will be hard to readjust to American prices.

3. The diversity.
The biggest WOW factor about Ecuador is it's biodiversity. In 5 hours, you can be on the coast where the climate is hot and sunny. In two hours, you can be in the "cloud forest" which is warm and humid. The Sierra, where I live, has moderate temperatures. It's dry (at the moment, anyway... there is a rainy season), with warm temperatures during the day and cool temperatures at night. This mountainous region receives a lot of direct sunlight, which is what keeps it so warm despite the high elevations. Some parts of the Sierra are cooler. It's also a short drive to reach the Amazon region, where you can find an abundance of flora and fauna. It's difficult to explain the beauty and wonder of being able to see all of these different environments, so I'll just have to suggest you make a visit yourself.

4. The lifestyle.
Ecuadorians like to take it easy. They have a very laid-back state of mind and are known for being slow. This can be frustrating, if you're impatient, but also a breath of fresh air. People take time to actually speak to you. The art of conversation has not been lost. Sure, if you're in a hurry to get somewhere you'll have to breeze by some slowpokes on the sidewalk, but just remember, they're really enjoying their time. After a hectic year teaching in the States and having virtually no free time, it was amazing to come here and teach until 1 o'clock in the afternoon. This gave me so much time to relax, enjoy my friends and family, and (of course) travel.

5. The experience.
This may sound silly, but I am going to miss the whole experience of living in a foreign country. There is so much to learn about the culture, the language, the country... Always new people to meet, new places to see, and new foods to taste. Challenging myself to communicate in a foreign language (sometimes in difficult situations) was extremely valuable to me personally.  Living with a host family, adapting to a new way of life and new customs... it was a whole new world. I got to see the good and the bad, and taught myself to be more objective and open-minded.

Churrasco, a typical Ecuadorian plate with beef, fried eggs, rice, salad, french fries and avacado. 

A simple breakfast from the coast of Ecuador. Eggs with ham, mini empanadas, and bread. 

The top 5 things I'm looking forward to:

1. Family and friends.
I love the people in Ecuador. I have family. I have friends. But there's something to be said for the familiarity of your own family, traditions, and ways of interacting. For being able to call your best friend on the phone and talk until you've run out of things to say. I've enjoyed my experiences here, but I'm excited to be back with some wonderful people I've dearly missed.

2. Food.
I'll miss some of the delicious foods I've tried here, but there are some things that you just can't find in Ecuador that I have been craving. I've also missed baking and preparing my own meals. I love to cook and try out new recipes, so I look forward getting back in the kitchen (and having a nice thick steak).

3. Personal space.
I was raised to be a pretty independent person. Living with a host family and having to take public transportation limits my ability to be independent. I love to get out on my own, but it's not as safe or easy in the city.

4. Fall.
Living in "eternal springtime" is quite pleasant. However, I'll be happy to see the leaves changing and to experience all the coziness of my favorite season. Not to mention the holidays.

5. Transportation.
Public transportation is cheap. You can travel from the North of the city to the South for $0.25. However, you travel with hundreds of other people who are always in a hurry and have no sense of personal space. Pushing, shoving, bumping, and uncomfortable situations are so common. A bonus of where I live is that I was able to walk to work, but had to take public transportation very frequently as well. I'm not even sure these public buses are better for the environment because they throw out more black smoke than a freight train.

An Endless Cycle

"Yes we live uncertainty and disappointments have to be,

and every day we might be facing more...

And yes we live in desperate times...

Say love, say for me love."

-Avett Brothers

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about all of the hatred in the world. With racial issues, animal abuse, LGBT announcements, and hate crimes trending on my FB newsfeed, it's pretty hard not to notice the upward trend in people feeling/expressing malice towards others- even from 2,500 miles away.

As a girl raised in the south, with family from up north, and friends scattered across the country and the globe, I have seen opinions and thoughts from all sides of these current events on social media. I've seen religious propaganda supporting and berating the legalization of gay marriage.  I've seen friends speak in favor of or in opposition to the removal of the Confederate Flag. I think it's great that we all have the freedom to express our opinions. And of course, people are different. We are all human. Our beliefs reflect many complicated and diverse factors that have influenced our lives.

The problem I see is a lack of respect for other people's opinions, a cultivation of unwarranted hatred, and a burning desire in people to always be right and to always have the last word. As I mentioned before, everyone has the basic human right to express themselves. But what benefit is their in doing so in hateful manner? Have you ever felt persuaded to change your mind about an issue because someone insulted you? Slew curse words at you? Belittled you or your point of view?

What I don't understand is how/why people can have so much hatred in their hearts. I have never believed that my animosity towards someone or something could change anything. It's human nature to be passionate about things. When we are passionate about things, we like to instill that same passion in others. Sometimes, we can't contain it. But, again, everyone is not the same. You cannot force someone into thinking the same way as you. That sounds a lot like a scary dystopia novel.

If you believe that you are entitled to share your thoughts and feelings with the world, then what makes you believe that another person, another human, born into the world just the same as you, does not have that same right? What has happened to civilized and educated conversations? Why are we arguing about things of no consequence and disparaging others?

I guess my whole way of thinking is influenced by (as cliché as it sounds) the golden rule. "Do unto others as you would have them to unto you." I, personally, always try to treat others the way I would like to be treated. Of course, as I am not perfect, I fail sometimes, but the point is I am conscious of this effort. It breaks my heart to see how people are treated, even on social media. A simple photo or video can quickly gather comments and people are swift to lash out against the publisher for minute details.

"The Golden Rule or ethic of reciprocity is a maxim, ethical code or morality that essentially states either of the following:

• One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself (directive form).

• One should not treat others in ways that one would not like to be treated (cautionary form)

This concept describes a "reciprocal", or "two-way", relationship between one's self and others that involves both sides equally, and in a mutual fashion."

God created us all to be individuals. We have our own thoughts, emotions, and inclinations. My intention in writing this is not to criticize anyone, but rather (hopefully) provoke the masses (a.k.a the five people that actually read my blog) into being more conscientious when posting on social media and to initiate conversations with others about the topic. Why not reach out in love rather than fervent anger and hatred?

Here's to hoping.


Live and love,
Katey <3



Romans 13:10

Great Expectations

I recently stumbled across a note I wrote, inspired by some very wise words. This note, which is at least a year old, sparked something in me. It made me realize that no matter how much you grow and learn, sometimes you're not as smart as you once were. 

"You know when you learn something, and you have that moment of extreme clarity? When you think to yourself 'This will be life changing!' Those times when someone speaks truth right into your situation or circumstances? I had one of those moments of clarity. My bible study leader told me that we should not expect anything from people. Not in a cynical, nobody-will-ever-care-about-me, people suck kinda way. Just that when we rely on God, we don't need to be filled by anyone or anything else. When we get frustrated, disappointed, angry... It's all because that one person didn't say the right thing. They didn't come to the rescue when we needed them. Someone forgot to let you know you were special, in whatever way, and we take it personally. God doesn't want that for us. He wants us to have an abundant life. I'm writing this because I realized I do still think people suck. My heart longs to be pursued, to be treasured, to be cherished. I want someone to call out a beauty in me that I didn't realize was there. I want someone to know my heart and desire to have a place there. But, ultimately, what am I living for? Satisfaction now? Or something eternal? I am fighting- tooth and nail- for a greater glory. Not for myself, but for the only one worth glorifying. Someone who does love and treasure me. Someone who cherishes my heart. Someone who holds me dear. He publicly declared His love for me, and sometimes I have a hard time reciprocating that. I want to be bold; unyielding.  I know that in time, His plans will fall into place, but it won't happen because of anything I do. I am not in control. I can see only a tiny stroke of paint on a vast canvas. God can see the whole picture. He knows what beauty lies ahead. I can't wait to discover it."

My best friend and I have had many conversations over the years about how having expectations for a person or situation can ultimately reduce your satisfaction in that person or situation. 

Dictionary.com defines expectations as "the act or the state of expecting" and to expect as "to look forward to; regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or the coming of." 

On a more cynical, and possibly realistic, note, Urban Dictionary defines expectations as "a guaranteed way for you to make sure that people will consistently disappoint you."  

Being human, it is impossible for us to be perfect. Everyone is different. Everyone has their own nuances, backgrounds, personalities, likes, dislikes, etc. that make them who they are. And it is beautiful that we can live in a world with such diversity. There are so many things to appreciate about others. 

Just today, as I was training the new volunteers here in Quito, we were discussing how having a lot of expectations or preconceptions about their time here in Ecuador could ultimately ruin the experience for them. How it is better to take each moment for what it is and forget about what they think is should be. Life just doesn't work that way. We can't always have things exactly as we want. We can't control people. We cannot decide, ultimately, how things will turn out. Keeping that white-knuckle grip on life has the potential to damage the whole experience completely.

I have to remind myself of this almost every day. I want so much from people. To feel loved. To be appreciated. To be recognized for the effort that I put it. To have my feelings and actions reciprocated. And, I must admit, I am quite often let down. My heart is so full of everything I hope for and desire; it's difficult to step back and allow life to be what it is. To remember that we're all human. That not everyone is the same, and that's a beautiful thing. 

Often, I find myself trying to view a situation from someone else's perspective.  I'm sure that I have let down a fair number of people, simply because they expected something from me that I, without realizing, did not give them. I would never want anyone to feel that I wasn't living up to some standard that they set. I am flawed. It is absolutely in my nature. This is something that I cannot change. An irrefutable fact.

I just hope that I can continue to learn this lesson, maybe to the point of mastery, so that I no longer feel the bond of expectation and the pain that comes with disappointment. 


Live and Love <3
Katey



Ephesians 3:20

Embracing the Unknown

"It seems like everywhere I go, the more I see the less I know."

- Michael Franti

I haven’t seen a lot of the world. Just a small corner. I’ve travelled to a few states and one country outside of the U.S. But within these few places, I have seen and learned so much. Each time I learn something new, I realize how much bigger the world is than just my narrow view of it. When I travel, I marvel at the new things I discover and understand how much more there is to learn, how much more the world has to teach me. 

When you travel outside of your comfort zone, you cannot avoid being exposed to new ideas, customs, and culture. I’ve never had a great ability to see things in black and white, only shades of gray. Learning more about the world only makes those shades of gray more varied. Whatever you know as normal, acceptable, or even expected, may not even exist in another part of the world. This isn’t something that should make you uncomfortable, but should be celebrated. The diversity in the world is what makes life so incredible.

The greatest advantage to getting out there in the world  is gaining a new or fresh perspective. Like a picture analyzed too closely, you may not get all of the details if you never take a step back and allow yourself to take in all there is to see.  You have to put yourself outside of what you know. Like when you're working on a riddle you can’t figure out, and suddenly, in the middle of something completely unrelated, the answer comes to you. 

For example, in the Amazon Region of Ecuador, you can encounter many exotic plants and animals. There also tribes of people who live their lives, day to day, tucked away in their corner of the world. They have their own customs and traditions. Some that you may find very strange. When they are welcoming you to their village, they may offer you “chicha masticada,” which is a drink usually made of yuca. Women in the village chew the yuca root and spit the juice into a container. This juice is then offered to guests and it is considered extremely offensive if a guest refuses the drink. 

Another custom that was very different for me when I first arrived in Ecuador was seating at almuerzo, or lunch, restaurants. There are numerous restaurants that offer a basic, fixed menu each day at a very affordable price of $2-4.00. This price typically includes fresh juice, soup, rice, some type of vegetable, a meat, and occasionally a dessert as well. 

As you can imagine, these spots are very popular. If you arrive during a busy time, you may find there are no empty tables. However, instead of waiting for a table to clear, the custom is to join another customer at a table with the appropriate number of empty seats. For example, if you and a friend go out to lunch and there is a couple eating with two empty seats at their table, it is perfectly acceptable to plop down at the table with the simple greeting of buen provecho, which is a similar expression to bon appetite. 

All of these things just teach you the intricacies of human societies and how diverse the world truly is. I love getting out into different areas and being exposed to the world in ways that I haven’t been before.

Another small example: I was recently blessed with the opportunity to visit The Galapagos Islands. It was an expensive trip, but a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Seeing the unique wildlife, pristine beaches and the similarities and differences between the islands and the mainland of Ecuador taught me more than one valuable lesson. Because the islands have fewer inhabitants, there is a distinct small-town feel. In contrast to Quito, people were very friendly… not that Quiteños aren’t friendly, they just aren’t the same type of say-hello-as-you-pass-by friendly. 

There was less traffic, less catcalling, and less crime. As the islands are full of gringos and travelers from across the globe, the culture is much different. People carry their expensive cameras around their necks (in public!) with no fear that they will be robbed. Children play on tablets in the middle of the streets... These are things you would not see in many places in Ecuador, especially in a city like Quito.

Apart from the local culture of the islands, there are also incredible sights to see. I got to swim with sharks, hike on a active volcano, play with sea lions, and take in all of the native animals on the islands. I remember watching a video in my 11th grade FF biology class about Charles Darwin and these Incredible Islands where he discovered so many cool things. Actually stepping foot onto some of those islands felt a little surreal. 

As many amazing things as I experienced, I know there are so many more adventures out there waiting for someone else to grab ahold of them. I’ve allowed this country and it’s people to teach me so much more about the world and myself. I know that as I get older and venture further out into the unknown, I will continue to be awed by the simplicity and complexity of it all. 

Simple.

"Every starry night, that was His design."
Chris August

I stepped outside tonight and couldn't help but notice the stars shining brightly in the sky. This is a little unusual here in Ecuador because it's normally cloudy. I have so many good memories of starry nights and they evoke such awe and wonder. God is a true artist.

The subtle twinkle, the crisp edge of the night air... Everything takes me to a place of complete and utter serenity. Amidst trials and uncertainty, the world spins a little slower and life seems less complicated under such a magnificent blanket of perfection. I think I could lie awake and stare at the sky for hours. 

When I was young, my dad and I used to walk (or sometimes I'd ride on his shoulders) down the dirt road that led from our house to the campground. He'd point out constellations and I'd eagerly try to memorize the positions of all the stars. There's something about being so enraptured by a moment that you forget about everything else. 

Something about being out, surrounded by the vast and seemingly unending sky, stretching on as far as the eye can see, that reminds you of the true simplicity of life. No matter how many complications we add, the basic idea doesn't change. I so appreciate this reminder. The simplest things always seem to find a way into my heart. 

I can remember countless camping trips, stepping out of the warmth of the tent into the cold night air only to be immediately awestruck by the masterpiece above my head. I do not know why I am so drawn to the marvels of the heavens, but, no matter how many days or years pass, my fascination does not change. I'm sure I'm waxing a little poetic here, but inspiration brings out the wannabe poet in me.

Maybe God created that captivating night sky as a reminder to stop, take a breath, and remember all the things we should be focused on.

Romanticism and Timelines

"We travel, not to escape life, but for life not to escape us."

-Anonymous 

Some days, I’m on top of the world. Other days, I feel lost. The majority of days, I’d say, are spent feeling somewhere in between- along the lines of content or satisfied with the normalcy, the routine of it all. I wouldn’t label myself as the type of person who particularly enjoys routines. Then again, maybe I do find a secret thrill in knowing that a certain thing will happen each day. Maybe I’m more a fan of dependability than routine. I like knowing I can count on things… and people.

That being said, I’ve never been one to plan ahead. I rely on my gut, my intuition, and feelings to guide me through life. I don’t like to contemplate long term possibilities. It’s overwhelming to imagine myself, some time down the road, married, with x amount of kids, living x number of miles from my family. I don’t know what my career will be, what my hobbies will be, or- honestly- even where I’ll be. I love change. I adapt so easily to new environments. I look at new experiences as adventures that could lead me to somewhere I’ve never been and teach me even more about the intricate and simple beauties of life. I find a life of endless routine mundane. Does this mean I have a restless heart? Maybe.  Somewhere inside, I feel like I’ve been taught this is wrong. That I should somehow be ashamed of my wanderlust and desire for something as beautiful and simple as an adventure. But I'm not. 

I have amazing people in my life.  My friends and family are constant recipients of my warmest affections. I love spending hours laughing with my sister because we act like giant goofballs together. I could spend every day watching Frozen and drinking wine with my best friend, falling asleep at 10 o’clock together because we’re such grannies and can’t keep our eyes open any longer. I enjoy walks in the park with that one friend who always makes me laugh and always keeps it real; who doesn’t make any judgments and has such a pure spirit. I have amazing people in my life. 

But then, when I stop to think about my life now, as in this moment, I realize that all of those things are memories. Those people are still a part of my life, but in a different way. I still love them. They still love me. But, due to certain circumstances (i.e. me being in a different hemisphere), the nature of those relationships has changed. That doesn’t mean I have been left without love in my life. The people in Ecuador have been extremely welcoming and friendly. I have an amazingly warm host family. I have an incredible friend who I know would do anything for me (and I the same for her). Someone I can call up (slaaaash send a message to) and know that she’ll be down for whatever crazy scheme I’ve hatched. 

When I count my blessings, it’s definitely not a short list. However, I still don’t know how to fit all of the pieces together. I’ve discovered a few passions in my life, but don’t know what to do with them. 

In my eight and a half months in Ecuador, I’ve completely fallen in love with many things here (and developed contempt for others). It’s difficult to imagine myself, as I am now, returning to the U.S. and trying to fit who I am into the shadow of who I used to be. I can’t say that all of the changes I’ve made have been for the better, but they are part of me. There is something so freeing about pushing yourself to survive in a harsh and foreign environment. I can’t imagine packing myself up and forcing myself back into the commercialism-centered life I lived before. Here, I enjoy the simple things in life so much more. It’s harder to take things for granted when you can immediately see how lucky you are. Here, time spent with people is much more of a focus than in the States. It’s not about an activity that you’re doing, or how many photos you can take to upload to instagram  (I usually still snag a few, of course!), it’s about hanging out and enjoying someone’s company. Getting back to the simple romantics of pure friendships and relationships. 

This is only touching on what I love about Ecuador. Without mentioning how miserable I was last year working in the States compared to a relatively stress-free and enjoyable job here. Without going into detail about the incredible biodiversity this country offers and the thrill of discovering something unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. I could go on and on about the constant state of wonder I’m stuck in. 

Even so, my time here is growing short. When I consider the fact that I’ve been here eight months and have only four more to go, it’s hard to believe. How could I already be more than halfway done? On one hand, I feel like I’ve been here forever. On the other, I feel like there is still so much I don’t know; so much I haven’t done or learned. Will four months be enough? 

With adult responsibilities and debts looming over my head, I’m mentally preparing for my return to the States. I’m excited to eat all the foods I’ve been missing, get Mexican and margaritas with the girls, to be able to cook again… I’ll be happy to see my friends and family again, to spend hours in my sweats eating junk food with my sister. But I can’t help but wonder… what more could I discover if I stayed just a little longer? My heart doesn’t want to let go of all the things I’ve romanticized here. There is a true pain, I think, in learning to love more than one place.